The Anatomy of Peace

 

my brain and heart divorced a decade ago

over who was to blame about how big of a mess I have become

eventually, they couldn't be in the same room with each other

now my head and heart share custody of me

 

I stay with my brain during the week and my heart gets me on weekends they never speak to one another

instead, they give me the same note to pass to each other every week and their notes they send to one another always says the same thing:

​

‘This is all your fault’

​

on Sundays my heart complains about how my head has let me down in the past and on Wednesdays

my head lists all of the times my heart has screwed things up for me in the future

they blame each other for the state of my life

there's been a lot of yelling - and crying

so, lately, I've been spending a lot of time with my gut

who serves as my unofficial therapist

 

most nights, I sneak out of the window in my ribcage

and slide down my spine and

collapse on my gut's plush leather chair that's always open for me

~and I just sit sit sit sit until the sun comes up

last evening,

my gut asked me if I was having a hard time being caught between my heart and my head

I nodded

I said I didn't know if I could live with either of them anymore

‘my heart is always sad about something that happened yesterday

while my head is always worried about something that may happen tomorrow,’

I lamented

 

my gut squeezed my hand

‘I just can't live with my mistakes of the past or my anxiety about the future,’

I sighed

 

my gut smiled and said:

‘in that case, you should go stay with your lungs for a while,’

 

I was confused -

the look on my face gave it away

‘if you are exhausted about your heart's obsession with the fixed past

and your mind's focus on the uncertain future your lungs are the perfect place for you

 

there is no yesterday in your lungs there is no tomorrow there either

there is only now there is only inhale

there is only exhale

there is only this moment

there is only breath

and in that breath you can rest

while your heart and head work their relationship out.’

 

this morning, while my brain was busy reading tea leaves

and while my heart was staring at old photographs

I packed a little bag and walked to the door of my lungs

before I could even knock she opened the door with a smile

and as a gust of air embraced me she said

 

‘what took you so long?’

​

 

~ john roedel